Stop Family Fights #1: Pattern Interupt

Stop Family Fights #1: Pattern Interupt



How do you stop your children from fighting, teasing and angry outbursts?

Margie and I talk about 3 specific parenting techniques you can use to instantly restore peace. Because, in the end, kids are inherently good and it’s up to you to help them resolve outbursts peacefully.

These 3 techniques will:

  • Help children obey happily without the fights
  • Help children stick to tasks better
  • End angry outbursts and sibling fighting

Hard to believe there may be a way to stop the fighting and disagreements, right?!

Well, we invite you to watch on and see for yourself!

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Related quotes to consider:

Full Transcript

MARGIE – With 11 children in our home, sometimes there can be fights, right? There can be anger, frustration, arguing…

JOSHUA – Sure. So I think that’s common to all families, but the big questions is…

MARGIE – How do you stop the fight?

JOSHUA – Yeah. How do you stop it? How do you get back to peace and calm right in the moment? That’s what we’ve tried to do all these years, right?

MARGIE – We have. We really have.

JOSHUA – Okay. So what we have for you today is we’ve got one specific tactic, one thing that you can say. In fact, it’s really easy to do. It’s so simple you’ll think, “Oh, why didn’t I think of that before?” It’s very simple. You can do it and it’ll immediately, in most cases…

MARGIE – In most cases.

JOSHUA – It will Immediately stop the contention, the arguing, the frustration, and the anger outbursts, okay? So this particular tactic has three easy, really simple steps to it. We’re going to explain those three steps to you as we go along. Okay? Now, do you want to tell them about that?

MARGIE – Yeah. At the end of this video, we’re going to give you this special gift, so…

JOSHUA – Free special gift. It’s totally free. It’s yours. We’re going to help you out. Okay? Alright, now. This is what people ask us all the time, right?

MARGIE – They ask us, “Will it really work?” Now, for a majority of the time it will work. But it depends on your children, your home environment… kind of the nuances of your family life, and so if you haven’t watched our ROLE model video yet, you might want to take a peek at that, because it’ll explain the four different types of personalities that children usually fall into and certain ones will respond to this technique that we’re teaching you today.

JOSHUA – Okay. Should we tell them about the technique?

MARGIE – Yeah. Let’s do it.

JOSHUA – Okay. So the technique that we’re going to introduce to you today is very simply called Pattern Interrupt. Pattern interrupt. And Margie is an absolute master at this pattern interrupt idea. So do you want to sort of walk them through it and tell them how it works?

MARGIE – Well, how about just a story?

JOSHUA – That’s great. Tell them the story.

MARGIE – Okay. Let me tell you a story. So in our house, Sariah and Miriam do dishes in the morning… well, every meal, basically… and the coveted job of doing dishes is rinsing.

JOSHUA – I don’t know why. Maybe they like playing in the water or something. Who knows?

MARGIE – It’s warm, it’s clean… yeah, I don’t know what it is. But they always race to get over there, and so I walk in the other day, and Miriam’s saying, “I was here first, I get to rinse.”  And Sariah said, “But it’s my turn, you did the last time.” And they’re going back and forth and getting all frustrated with each other and…

JOSHUA – Because whoever rinses does not have to load the dishwasher. Apparently that’s harder than rinsing? I don’t  know.

MARGIE – So anyways, I walk in and I say, “Hey, girls, what… Miriam, what’s your favorite song? I’ve really been wanting to sing a song this morning.”

JOSHUA – Right. And you totally ignored the…

MARGIE – Right. I ignored the fighting, I walk in, pop a question at her, and she has to go, “What? What did you say?” She pauses a moment. She goes, “Oh, I really like… ‘I Love To See The Temple’…” or some song that she likes, yeah. And then I turn to Sariah, and I say, “How about you? What’s your favorite song?” And she tells me. And I say, “Okay. Let’s sing some of these songs, and then… look it! It’s so sunny outside, let’s go out and jump on the trampoline. Let’s go play.” Right? And so we start singing, and pretty soon, everything’s resolved, and I say, “Who’s turn really was it to do the dishes?” And then they can proceed and do their job the way they’re supposed to do it. And we peacefully come to a resolution.

Joshua – Right, right. So, I can share, do a follow-up on that. In our house, the boys, they’re all scientific minded, they study all this stuff, and then they like to argue about facts and have these discussions about, you know, what’s the actual temperature of the sun or how big is it or what’s the biggest star in the universe or… I don’t know, or what’s the actual chemical compound of water.

MARGIE – Boiling point of titanium.

JOSHUA – Right. Like really really important stuff. So I come in the other day, and of course, you know, they’re at it. And if we let this get out of control, like pretty soon, two of them will be discussing a point, then another couple will come in, and discuss it, then another couple, and pretty soon this is like, there’s all this conversation going. And I walked in the other day on a heated… just a bam-doozle of a debate and I just walked physically in and I physically go… because you know, they’re discussing and arguing and frustrated and “No, I know this,” and “Actually that” and blah. So I just walk right into the middle of the fray, and I turned to Isaac and I’m like, “Isaac, did you get the website stuff done that I asked you to do?” and he’s like, “What?” “The website stuff. Did you get it finished? The stuff I asked you to do on the website? Did you get it finished?” “No, you didn’t ask me to do anything.” “Oh, Brigham, did you get the website stuff done?” “No.” “Okay. You know, it looks like we need to have a business meeting. Everybody into my office. Let’s go have a business meeting.” So we go in there. We talk about some stuff I wanted done on the website, and we’ve got done with all that. I said, “Now, when we were doing… before we started all this, I noticed there was kind of a heated debate there. Do you guys need to kiss and make up, or we kind of got that resolved…?” And they’re like, “Eh, we.. nah, it wasn’t really that important, so it’s okay. Sorry, sorry.” And everybody moved on and it was fine. And we immediately stopped the stress-point that was happening in the home. Right? Now, here’s the interesting thing about it. The vast majority of the fears and the frustration, the anger and the outbursts and all the stuff that goes on inside of the home from day to day, the daily little stresses, are actually completely irrelevant. They’re not important at all, and they’re just in the heat of the moment. And what’s going on there, and why this pattern interrupt works so well, is that most of us get angry and are frustrated because we feel out of control, right? Or we feel like our expectation is not being met. So like we expect that everyone will just do things our way, or we expect dinner to be on the table at a certain time, or we expect to be able to lounge around and play on our iPads, or we expect… like all these different expectations, right?

MARGIE – Exactly.

JOSHUA – And what happens when people don’t have their expectations met?

MARGIE – They start getting frustrated and angry and…

JOSHUA  – Yeah. Right. They’re feeling out of control and so they turn on the game control pattern or tape that’s running around inside their head. And as soon as they do that, it almost always includes, you know, increased reaching and grabbing and being frustrated and like exhibiting force and really wanting it to get back to where things are meeting their expectations or running the way that they want it to run. Right? And so it’s not that they’re really angry, it’s just that there’s a pattern, there’s a thought that’s automatically rolling through their head and by using this three step process that we just explained to you in these two stories, what you do is you interrupt that pattern. And as soon as you interrupt the pattern, then it kind of snaps them out of hypnotic anger and frustration and averts their temperature elsewhere. So there are three steps to this interrupt process. Okay? So what’s the first one?

MARGIE – The first one is ask a very thoughtful question. Just pop a question that is totally out of the blue that they’re not even thinking of.

JOSHUA – Yeah. Now this is so powerful because the mind naturally is focused on answering questions. If I ask you a question right now, if I said, “Well, what did you have for breakfast this morning?” Then immediately your brain, without even thinking about it, a picture pops into your head of what you ate for breakfast. And if I said, “Well, what time do you have to be to work?” Immediately you’re going to have this picture come into your mind about I’ve got to be… Almost subconsciously, automatically, because we’re designed to answer questions. And it takes a lot of anger and frustration to override that natural urge to answer questions. So because most things that we’re fighting about and frustrated about inside of our homes is totally trivial, by asking a specific question that forces them to think, they’re like… their brain automatically goes, “[braking sounds] Wait, I’ve got to answer this question.” And they turn and they’re like I’ve got to do something different, right? So it interrupts that pattern, and so that’s the first step, is asking them a question that causes them to think. Second one. Second one.

MARGIE – Get a new focus. Divert their attention to a new focus.

JOSHUA – So remember when Margie was like, “Well, what’s your favorite song? Let’s sing a song. And by the way, it’s a nice day outside. When we’re done with the dishes, we’ll go outside and play, right?” Like, taking their whole attention and moving it into something that is positive, that’s rewarding, that you know engages them, that’s important to them. So I did that by asking the boys, “Hey, did you finish the website?” Now we do a family business together, so it was like website? What do you mean? Right? So get them focused on something else. Finally, you can’t just leave an open loop.

MARGIE – You’ve got to have a peaceful resolution. Resolve it peacefully. It’s no big deal. These are great kids. They’re not bad just because they’re fighting. They’re good kids and help them see that it’s been peacefully resolved and we’re going to go on our way happily.

JOSHUA – Now you don’t want to just leave it open. So like with the dishes and with the other conversation… you don’t want to just leave an open loop, because then it’ll kind of fester inside of them. It only takes a couple of seconds, like “You guys cool now, or we need to kiss and make up, or whose job was it really on the dishes? Okay. Well no problem. Next time we’ll maybe change that around but we’re good, let’s just keep moving forward. So you kind of close that loop so they have resolution, so then they can move on, appologize if needed, and just restore peace and calm back to the home. Okay? So if you’ll use these three techniques… so asking the questions…

MARGIE – Refocus.

JOSHUA – Creating a new focus, and then having a peaceful resolution. You’ll be astonished at how quickly you can defuse a situation and restore some peace and harmony back into the home. Okay?

MARGIE – I’m anxious to hear how it worked in their family!

JOSHUA – Wouldn’t that be cool? We would love for you to drop some comments and also as we say, share the joy. So right here on this page, go ahead and click and share this video out, and allow other people to get this information, use these three little steps to help defuse their own and bring a little bit more peace and joy back into their house. Now also we promised them a free gift.

MARGIE – That’s right. Tell them about the free gift.

JOSHUA – So the free gift, we’ve got a free gift for you and we are constantly trying to think of ways we can improve our parenting and bring more joy and more happiness into the family and so we’ve got a free gift for you. It’s a parenting system that will allow you to not just… you know, we talked today about how to get instant results, like how do you immediately defuse a situation. But what if you could create an environment in your home so that those angry outbursts and that frustration got less and less and less and less and fewer and fewer occasions? Yeah. So you’re not having to use these techniques as often as you maybe normally would and so what we’d encourage you to do is not only share this video, this message with somebody else, but also we’re going to encourage you to get our free site…. So you can get free instant access. You click on one of the buttons down below here. And also if you want more details on a particular offer, stay tuned, and we’ll give you all the details and insights. Give you insights on how you can get it instantly right now and figure out how to have long term peace and greater joy inside your family, okay?

MARGIE – Sounds great!

JOSHUA – Awesome. Thanks for listening. Bye now.

What’s the Best Way to Discipline Your Child?

What’s the Best Way to Discipline Your Child?


What’s the best way to discipline your child?

The reality is… what works for little “Johnny” just might ruin little “Suzzie”. Each child is different. Sometimes VERY different. And in parenting, one size does NOT fit all.

To make it all work with our 11 children, Margie and I use the R.O.L.E. model method. We learn the personality of each child and whether they are an R, O, L or E.  That then defines the type of discipline we use.

Curious to learn more?!

Watch the video above for the full lesson!

Listen to this Podcast

Get this episode
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Listen to this Podcast

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Related quotes to consider:

Full Transcript

MARGIE – Why do some children respond to certain discipline and others don’t? And how do you know what’s best for each child?

JOSHUA – Yeah, that can be maddening for a parent. What we discovered early on is we had Esther, and we were like, “We’ve got this parenting thing down.” We sort of figured out what makes her tick, and then Joshua and Jared came around, and it was completely irrelevant. So what worked for Esther did not work for Joshua and Jared and subsequent other children. So what makes the difference for your children? Well, to help you understand that, I want to tell you a quick story. The other night, we had some friends over. They’ve got a number of little children. We still have little children in the home, and they were all running around, and we were having this lesson, and we were teaching them some stuff, and talking, interacting, the adults were. And the children were just driving us crazy. And so I looked over to Enoch and I said, “Enoch. Your behavior is inappropriate. Sit down, and be quiet.” And immediately, boom. He looked around, sat down, and it was done.

MARGIE – On the other hand, Eve, we knew, words were not going to help. So I picked her up, physically restrained her. This is what we’re doing now. She sat on my lap. Now, a lot of parents ask us, how do we have such well behaved children? We get that all the time. Now let me tell you, it’s because we took the time to learn their individual learning styles and their personality style and their pain points.

JOSHUA – Now this is really important to understand that in parenting, one size definitely does not fit all. So what works for one child very likely won’t work for another child. And often, children are very different from their parents. In other words, what you think would motivate you or would inspire you very well may have completely no impact on one of your children.

MARGIE – You know, we have a model that really helps us and we want to share it with you today. We call it the ROLE model. R-O-L-E.

JOSHUA – Yeah. So to understand the ROLE model, I want to take you back really quick into medical history. It used to be that when people got sick, doctors would throw herbs or medicine or liquids at them and they discovered that some things worked and other things didn’t work. They didn’t have a model for why something worked and why something didn’t. Then Louis Pasteur came along and realized that there’s stuff called bacteria and there’s penicillin and there’s actually a cause and effect thing going on inside of our bodies. And once they had that model, that allowed all of modern medicine to begin to roll forward at a drastically accelerated pace. We could heal people because we could discover what was going on and we had a model for addressing the problem.

MARGIE – So we wanted a model for our family! And as we said before, we use what we call the ROLE model. And let me tell you about the first letter, R.

JOSHUA – What does it all stand for?

MARGIE – R. The letter R on ROLE model. R stands for Rock. Now this is a child that tends to be quiet, they’re really grounded and consistent, wouldn’t you say? Stubborn, like a rock. They’re a really good listener and they’re like a counselor or a therapist or a comforter. They give a lot of comfort.

JOSHUA – Yeah, lots of comfort. The O in R-O-L-E stands for the Organizer. Now, the Organizer, as you may have guessed, is very organized. They tend to be great at math, at music and drama. They’re very observant and very intuitive about all the stuff that’s going on around them. So think about great engineers or actors or musicians. Most of these people tend to have this Organizer personality type.

MARGIE – Now the L. The L stands for the Leader.

JOSHUA – That’s Margie, right?

MARGIE – And several of our children are Leaders.

JOSHUA – That is very much so.

MARGIE – They’re naturally assertive. They like to take charge. They love action and getting things done and you can think of maybe like a CEO, a prominent politician or other people that are in the forefront, leading the way. Right?

JOSHUA – Anybody that’s just out there making things happen, that’s the Leader. And that’s Margie, right. Okay. And the E stands for the Energizer. These are the happy optimistic people. They love to help.

MARGIE – Like Joshua.

JOSHUA – Right. They are natural people persons and salesmen and they’re… think about the great motivators and speakers and cheerleaders. Anyone that’s out there just, inside of a family or organization, just keeping things fun and lively and engaging… those are your Energizers.

MARGIE – That’s right. Now the type of personality your children are defines the type of discipline that you use. It’s very important.

JOSHUA – Yes. So think about a puzzle piece, right? Like, a certain personality is going to have a certain learning style and a certain receptor that’s going to connect with them and resonate with them.

MARGIE – For example, Enoch. He has a lot of organizer. So when we pointed out his behavior was out of line, boom. He just immediately complied.

JOSHUA – Right. So he had a certain behavior that was going on, and we fit in the discipline style we knew would resonate with him, and immediate compliance. Eve, on the other hand. She’s got a lot of the Leader in her, just like her mother, right? So when we just said words to her, they just rolled right off her. Especially at that young age, the language of restraint was the language that she understood. She understood action and getting things done, and so when Margie went and picked her up and set her down on her lap and folded her arms around her, she understood that language. “Oh, I need to sit still.”

MARGIE – Now I know. Now, if it had been Jared, who is the Energizer in the family, we would have threatened to isolate him to his bedroom.

JOSHUA – Remember that time we had the sliding glass door and we had a bunch of people over and he was going crazy? And we banished him outside. It was a nice day. But we banished him outside, and we had the glass door, and he could see what was going on.

MARGIE – He could watch all the fun and not be a part of it. Now that’s horrible for an Energizer. They don’t want to miss out on any fun.

JOSHUA – Just brutal. Finally, if it had been Brigham, who is the Rock in our family, I could have just given him a stern look across the room, like. Brigham.

MARGIE – I’m disappointed in you.

JOSHUA – Exactly. I’m disappointed in you. Or I’m really sad, or a sad look. Like he’d really hurt my feelings or whatnot. That would have done the job. Except usually Rocks are not your behavior problem.

MARGIE – That’s true.

JOSHUA – So it would have been rare that he did it anyways. But if it had been him, that would have done the job.

MARGIE – That’s true. In the end, you need to remember that what works for little Johnny just might destroy little Sue.

JOSHUA – Now this is really important, because each child is so different. It’s not just that it wouldn’t work for them. Some things literally will disrupt the child, and really could damage and hurt and destroy them if you’re not doing things in a way that really resonates with them. So our challenge to you today is to spend some time and really observe your child and to discover what your child’s ROLE is, and then adjust… ROLE, as in R-O-L-E… and then adjust your discipline and parenting style accordingly. And you’ll discover that where there’s a more accurate fit, the more you can resonate with who the child is naturally, then the more they will respond, and you’ll be amazed at the response you’ll get.

MARGIE – True. So true. We would love to hear about your children and their ROLE and how you discovered it and what makes a difference in your family. So feel free to comment below here and tell us all about it. 

JOSHUA – We would absolutely love to hear all about it. So. Can’t wait to hear your story. Thanks so much. Talk to you later.

3 Keys to Protect Your Family From Pornography

3 Keys to Protect Your Family From Pornography

How do you protect your family from the evils of pornography?

And, if some of your family has become ensnared in this trap, how do you help them heal from the wounds?

Recently, a group of just over 200 mothers gathered together for a special women’s conference. They asked me to address the very sensitive topic of pornography.

I believe there are 3 very specific, simple things you can do to protect your family from pornography and bring hope and healing to those who have been wounded.

NOTE: This talk is specifically tailored for an LDS audience. It contains a whole lotta “mormon lingo”… but, I believe the principles are fundamentally sound and will help any family, of any faith.