Hello and welcome to our video that covers the 5th and final tip of ways to help stop the fighting and disagreements within your family.
Here, we cover the way we help manage expectations in our family. Because really, deep down inside, children want to please Mom and Dad. They really do. They want to grow and become productive. They want to have success and it just depends on expectations.
Watch on to learn about the tool we use called 360 Delegation. It may sound a little strange, but the 3 steps within this tool can really help set the expectation that your child needs.
Related quotes to consider:
MARGIE – Hello, there! We’re here with tip number 5, how to stop the fight in your family and especially, how to stop it before it ever escalates and even starts.
JOSHUA – Right, which really begs the question, why do children yell and scream and fight anyway? Especially when it comes to their parents. Why do they get so frustrated with parents? And why is there so much contention and irritation going on there? We’re going to tell you all about that in just a minute. But for now, remember, we’ve got a free gift for you.
MARGIE – A free gift, yep.
JOSHUA – We’ve got something that we’ve prepared for you that’s going to help you immensely in creating more joy and happiness inside your family, so stick around and we’ll give you all the details on that free gift. Let’s go back to this question. Why is it, dream girl? Why is this that they get so frustrated? When you see our children get frustrated at us, what’s going on there?
MARGIE – A lot of times, it’s because their expectations are not being met.
JOSHUA – Right.
MARGIE – They expect certain things to happen and it’s not happening that way, and so it’s frustrating to them, and they start yelling and fighting and complaining and whining and fussing and pretty soon…
JOSHUA – And especially there is conflict between parents and children. Now I saw this roll out beautifully, this concept of how expectation causes us to be grumpy, in this little experience I saw in a king bed versus a queen bed. Recently, we spoke at a conference and it was this great big resort, so I’m in the line, and there’s a big line standing there. I finally get up to the counter, and I look to the side of me here, and this other gal checking in is there standing there by herself, there’s no attendant helping her. A few minutes later, the attendant comes back and she’s got the manager with her. And as soon as the manager walks up, this gal explodes. She just unloads on this manager, and here was the problem. She had reserved a king sized bed in a certain location in the hotel. And they had overbooked or something had happened there, and they weren’t able to accommodate her original reservation. And so the manager was great. He was like, “Ma’am, here’s what we’re going to do. We have this other suite on the other side of the hotel. It does have a queen size bed in it, but it’s got twice as many amenities. It’s much bigger. It’s in a nicer place. It’s newly remodeled. And we’re going to let you have that for no additional cost, plus we’re going to pay for your parking. Plus we’ll pay for your resort fee and give you some credits at, you know, the restaurant, etc, etc.” I mean he bent over backwards. Was she happy?
MARGIE – She wouldn’t have it.
JOSHUA – Was she satisfied? No, she was still totally frustrated. Now, any other given day, she would have been ecstatic about the opportunity to have this really nice luxury room, but what was the problem? The problem was, she couldn’t see past her expectations. She was still just wired up and frustrated about this. Now, we see this all the time. And in my business, I have a coach, a guy that helps me with lots of different stuff named Tim Francis. And Tim taught me this concept called 360 delegation. Thanks, Tim. This was a great idea. And it’s something that Margie and I have been doing for years and years…
MARGIE – He put a label on it.
JOSHUA – Yeah, he put a label on it, and he put steps to it. So we’re going to teach you about this next thing under the banner of this 360 delegation, and let you see how you can apply it inside of your business.
MARGIE – Because so much of parenting is delegation, right? That’s what we do in parenting. We delegate. We’re teaching our children what to do. How to do it. How we expect them to perform or to fulfill certain things so they can become wonderful responsible adults.
JOSHUA – Exactly. I mean there’s zillions that you’ve got to delegate, and just as Margie said, it’s the process that we use to help children actually become wonderful and amazing individuals. And as I was thinking about this whole delegation process, I thought of Ben Carson. And some of you maybe know the story of Ben Carson. There was a movie done about him called Gifted Hands. And if you remember how the story rolls out, his mother was illiterate, they lived in the ghettos of Detroit, they basically were… you know, poor single mother…
MARGIE – Failing schools.
JOSHUA – Failing school, lot of anger, lot of frustration, and every day their expectation was they’ve got to come home from school, sti on the couch, and watch 5, 6, 7 hours of TV and then go to bed, go to school, sleep through school, come home, and watch TV. Well finally, she got a job cleaning houses. Nice houses. And she realized a lot of these really wealthy people had libraries, and they read a lot of books. And so she changed up the expectation. She came home, she turned the TV off, and she was like, “No more TV. From now on, you’re going to read two books a week before you watch TV, and you’re going to write a report and give me the report every single week on it.” She changed the expectation. And of course, Ben and his brother freaked out at first. Now when you change the expectations in your house, just be warned. Your children are going to resist it and be really frustrated. But notice what happened with Ben and his brother. After a while, when she didn’t relent, they honored the limit, the new expectation, and they started reading the books, and pretty soon they loved it.
MARGIE – Loved learning.
JOSHUA – They loved it. And consequently both of them became very successful. Ben became one of the most renowned brain surgeons in the world. And his brother went on to have a great career doing a bunch of other stuff. And the thing that changed was the mother’s expectation and her following up on that. So there’s a pattern here on how to do this. So let’s talk about that 360 delegation, right?
MARGIE – Number one, you’ve got to have a vision. What is the vision that you’re trying to attain here with your children?
JOSHUA – Yeah. What’s the thing that you want to accomplish? So in Ben Carson’s case, Mom wanted them to be able to pass school and be smart. In everyday mundane things, you’ve got things like cleaning the toilet, making food or running errands…
MARGIE – Making your bed…
JOSHUA – Cleaning up your bed. Whatever it is.
MARGIE – How you treat your siblings.
JOSHUA – You’ve got to be able to give them a clear picture of exactly what it is you expect from them. You’re establishing the expectation. Here’s exactly what I want to have done. Okay, now the next thing is…
MARGIE – Number two, resources. What resources do you need to be able to fulfill the expectation?
JOSHUA – Right. So if you’re telling them to keep the room clean, what kind of resources in terms of knowledge, physical resources, cleaning products, a vacuum…
MARGIE – Do they have a dresser, do they have a drawer for each of their clothes? Hangers? All that stuff. A vacuum?
JOSHUA – There’s a whole set of resources, from training to proper things that they need to have in order to be able to accomplish that. You’ve got to empower them to actually do it. So the next thing is you need to give them a definition of done. So this is a little different from the vision about what you want to have happen long term. This is, “I will know this is done and done right when…” And you fill in the blank. Whatever that looks like.
MARGIE – What does clean look like in this room, or in this bathroom or…
JOSHUA – Exactly. So what is the definition? Now, Tim uses these three steps. What is the vision? What are the resources needed? And what’s the definition of done? The definition of done is also going to include things like what’s the deadline. When does this need to get done by. Okay? Now, we have always added one additional thing to this and that is what are the rewards, or punishments, consequences, positive or negative, for either completing this or not completing it. Getting it done on time, not done on time. So again, they know exactly what the expectations are in terms of being able to accomplish and fulfill this project. Okay? Now, should we give them a couple of examples?
MARGIE – Yeah, give them an example.
JOSHUA – So let’s start with cleaning the bathroom. So each of our children come up to the age when they’re assigned to clean the bathroom. The first thing that we do is I will walk through the bathroom, and look around, and say, “Okay, what looks out of place here?” And we’ll have a conversation about, “Well, you know, there’s soap all over the counter. There’s towels on the floor. The toilet still has funky yellow stuff going on on the bottom of it.” And when I point out all the different things, and say, “Okay. Here’s what I would like to see here. I would like to see this so that the bathroom’s all clean, so that if the President of the United States or one of our church leaders or Mother came in here, she would say, ah, this is clean, and smells good, and is fresh.” And we walk through a vision of what that is. Okay, to do that, what do we need? We’re going to need some toilet bowl cleaner. We’re going to need some disinfectant spray. You’re going to need some towels, you know, duh duh duh, all these things. You’ll need a place to put the towels and hang them up in. Going to need to refill the soaps, you’ll need extra soap.” So there’s all these different things that we say, okay, this is the list of resources. And then again, I know that this is done when in 30 minutes, I can walk back in here and inspect and say this is good for the Queen of England to come and use the bathroom at our house, right? That’s the definition of done. And if you get it done within half an hour, then we will have some ice cream or get to go to the park or you’ll get my praise and love… whatever it is, there’s a reward there. And if you don’t, then we’re going to work on it until it gets done, and then we’ll practice on all the other bathrooms, and if you complain about it, I’ve got a New Deal for you, and we’ll do a bunch of other stuff, right?
MARGIE – The New Deal card.
JOSHUA – Right. So there’s a whole list of things there. So that’s the example of what we would do in terms of cleaning the bathroom. Walk through with them. Show them what it looks like. Give them the resources. Give them a time frame and a reward. Okay? Now this is your specialty.
MARGIE – Here’s another one. Errands and shopping. A lot of times, we’ll send our older children. “Here, run to the store. Go pick this up. We’re going to have dinner soon, we need these three items or whatever.” And so I’ll give them a list. I’ll make sure they have money in their account, because we’re always transferring money to them when they’re doing shopping for us. I’ll explain what the list is. Do I need two heads of lettuce? Or do I want tomatoes that are soft, or hard or…you know, whatever. And then I give them a time limit. “I want you back here by this certain time.”
JOSHUA – So every one of the little things is all spelled out.
MARGIE – The reward is you get to eat! We’ll make a salad. Making meals.
JOSHUA – Making meals. So talk about that, because you’re so good at getting the children to do this.
MARGIE – Well, we take turns having different children prepare meals. And so the first week or two, I’m right there with them, working on things and teaching them about timeline and if we want to eat dinner at 6, these things need to happen in the right order for everything to be ready at the same time. I’m always teaching them about how… don’t burn the bottom of the pan… you know. Butter the toast when it’s warm instead of cold.
JOSHUA – So there’s just butter sitting on top of it. If it actually melts, that’s always a plus. So there’s all these little things, that she walks through, and there’s printed menus, and shopping lists, and she talks with them about, “Before we go shopping, what else is needed? You’re in charge of breakfast, do we need anything else? Are we out of eggs? Do we need some more milk? Do we need butter?” And so there’s this whole process of stuff that goes on there, so that their expectations… they know exactly what to do, when to do it, and what it looks like when it’s done, and done right. And then their expectations are set so that they’re not fussing and complaining. We do the same thing… every morning, we have a family council, and we walk through the schedule for the day. What needs to happen today? We establish the expectations, and if things need to get delegated, we use this process that we just talked about. So, our challenge to you is look at where there is frustration and contention and ask yourself if it’s not a by-product of mismanaged expectations, and can you manage expectations better by using some form of Tim’s brilliant 360 degree delegation process, and taking some time limits and rewards and consequences onto it.
MARGIE – I think you’ll be really surprised at the results of this one point that we’re teaching you today, because it’s made such a difference for us.
JOSHUA – Huge difference. Because really, deep down inside, children want to please Mom and Dad. They really do. They want to grow and become productive. They want to have success and it just depends on expectations. So just like Ben Carson, deep down inside, he really did want to be somebody great. He just didn’t have the framework to do it in, and so when Mom took away TV and compelled him to move into books, it gave him the framework. And your children will do the same thing. They’ll respond, and they’ll love you, and they’ll be super excited for what they are becoming in this process, as you help them to see what your expectations are and get them the tools to fulfill them. Alright. If you’ll stick around, we have a free gift for you. It’ll help you implement all this stuff and have a ton of fun doing it. We want to hear your story. Jump on the Facebook page and give us some comments, give us some feedback and some insights into how this is working for you. We’d love to hear from you. Until then, do everything you can every day to find great joy and connect with your family. Life’s really short. Make the most of it. Talk to you soon. Bye.